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I was doing some website housekeeping recently and I noticed a bunch of traffic coming to my site from the keyword “Why People Are Freaked Out About the Illuminati.” So with my SEO hat on, I immediately sallied forth and began writing a blog called just that (except I added “2 reasons” for even more uber SEO, right? Right?? High five!”)

So, here’s the thing. I’ve written about this before and will likely continue writing about this until the illuminati hysteria stops. Or until I create a brand new breed of hysteria.

What have I already said?

1. The Illuminati no longer exists–it was squashed by monarchs in the 18th century.

2. If the Illuminati did exist, they would be promoting freedom from monarchy.

3. The Freemasons are not part of the Illuminati, they are likely descendent from the Knights Templar, a Catholic order of mystics that were disbanded for heresy.

4. Therefore, the Freemasons are not Satanic.

5. Unless you count birthing the radical ideas of representative democracy, the social contract, and the free market, the Freemasons are not out to control the world. Make it better, maybe, but control, no.

Why do we have to go over this again?

Okay, there. Now, what have I not written about? Well, why are people so afraid of a nefarious, long-extinct, freedom-promoting secret society?

1. Access to Information

When I first learned about the Illuminati it was 199—-something. Clinton years. When was that? Anyway, the Internet was still an idea trapped in Al Gore’s imagination, or was it in the military? It doesn’t matter, the point is, there was no Internet. The closest thing to online was my friends’ Palladium RPG BBS. If you know what any one of those three words are, you are awesome.

My Formative Years

My Formative Years

There also was a place called the library, where people had to go if they wanted to do something called “research” wherein you find information from trusted published sources to draw educated conclusions about a topic. I used this archaic resource and I also went to retail outlets we used to have that sold physical books, which are kind of like Kindles, but instead of a screen it has bound pieces of printed paper. I had to save money by delivering printed and folded documents with news articles in them called newspapers.

In other words, I had to really WORK to find out about the Illuminati. After saving money and buying books, sitting down reading them, then cross referencing the citations with books at the library I learned quite a bit about the whole topic, its history, the groups that spawn off and, yes, all of the conspiracies.

When I sat down and told my best friend about the Illuminati and then asked him if he’d seen any black vans around, he raised both his eyebrows, pursed his lips and slowly blinked.

Yeah, uh. Okay.

Fast forward to today. We have unlimited access to unlimited amounts of information. Illuminati conspiracies are easier to find than working toilets on cruise ships. Okay, maybe that was a bad metaphor, but you get the idea.

People are more informed and so therefore can be more misinformed. With all the nutter butters out there publishing fear-mongering and baseless information, there are legions of people who accidentally stumble upon it and take what used to be considered “fringe” content and bring it into the mainstream.

But listen, just because it’s on the Internet, does not mean it’s true. Unless it’s on Wikipedia, but that’s only because it’s crowdsourced by totalitarian word ninjas.

Trust me, I’ve researched this shit for going on twenty years. The Illuminati’s existence in the world is really not what we should be focusing on. Let’s start with Iran and North Korea and receding glacial hairline on our planet’s head and then go from there.

Earth on fire

Whether it’s through global warming or nukes, we’re going to set this fucker on fire.

2. Decline of Religion

Let’s be honest. 99.76854% of these conspiracy theorists are fundamentally religious and the global conspiracy to crush them is only one way to put it. Another way to put it is that there is a global conspiracy to crush Christianity. And even another way to put it, is that there is a global conspiracy by Satanists to crush Christianity.

There is only one reason why this trend would be in such a sharp incline in the face of all contrary evidence. Fundamentalist Christians feel threatened. They are seeing their religion squashed on every corner. First in the courthouses, then prayer in schools. Now Christmas is now called “The Holidays” and before long “In God We Trust” will be removed from currency. This is becoming a nation of non-Christians! Or another way to put it, a nation of secular heathens. And even another way to put it, a nation of Santanists!

It would only go to figure that some massive conspiracy was behind it all, because why else would people shed their beliefs and turn this Christian nation into a gay-marrying liberal pit of hell-slime?


And put this creepy eye thing on all our money.

Okay, here’s the thing. The United States of America has always been a secular nation. It was BUILT upon that tenet. What fundamentalists are experiencing is an evolution of religion, wherein it matters less and less who you say God is and what you think His Holy Book is and a more sensible tolerant landscape wherein God is God, no matter if you go to church, temple or mosque. What they are witnessing is not an increase of secularism, but an increase of tolerance. Which happens when societies evolve.

No one is out to destroy Christianity. We are all out to find common ground, peace and tolerance in an evolved society. And just because someone isn’t Christian doesn’t make them Satanist. So let’s stop with the conspiracy stuff.

And for those Googling, “Why Are People Freaked Out About the Illuminati” I hope I answered your question.

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