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I was recently reminded about the 80s.

Memories wafted down like the foul stench of canine flatulence immediately following a 5-year-old’s hot dog and nacho party. I’m 8 years old. It’s Wednesday morning in Chapel, a “class” that my Baptist church and school mandated every week. The carpet was blue, all of the elementary school kids were seated. We’d tried to get the pianist to play fun music before Chapel, as he was usually inclined to do. But with nervous shifty eyes whispered “I’m not allowed to anymore, I’m sorry.” nombres de genericos de viagra

They had a guest speaker in that morning. He proceeded to talk to us about Satan—a name that struck fear in the hearts of all the children in that room. Satan was that guy that lured us into temptation and away from Christ and his worshippers sacrificed babies in urban sewers during candlelit pentagram rituals. viagra pills online australia

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The guest speaker proceeded to tell us about all of the hidden Satanists in our country and was warning us that we needed the power of Christ to defend ourselves from Satan at every corner.

First there was the music. The Top 40 was dripping with Satanism. Madonna, Brian Adams, Huey Lewis—all of them wrapped Satanic messages in their lyrics.

It's hip to be pentagram.

It’s hip to be pentagram.

It was beyond only subliminal messaging. Pop music was dripping with it. AC/DC meant “After Christ, Devil Comes” and “Papa Don’t Preach” was an homage to Christian genocide. The very act of listening to this evil music meant Satan was programming us into becoming Satan-zombies set out to do the advisory’s evil bidding.

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Next was Dungeons & Dragons. Truly that was the epitome of all things Satanic. There was no limit to the end of atrocity present in that nerdtastic devilgasm. Wizards, spells, muggles…wait, I mean, hobbits. Wait no… uh, magic missile. Whatever it was, that shit was off-the-hook devil, and any moron that stumbled into it immediately transformed into a slave of the devil. Kids were murdering each other over these games, sacrificing their Labrador Retrievers, and spitting in holy water. If you even thought “D&D” you were a goat-murderer.

Yes, that's right. Goat-murderers.

Yes, that’s right. Goat-murderers.

But the most surprising part of the lecture was Procter and Gamble. Apparently, one of the largest companies in the world was in on this. The makers of every shampoo in the store, the company that owned almost every other company I could think of—Clorox, Tide, Pampers, Oral-B, Duracell, basically, like EVERYTHING. They were Satanists. The speaker pointed to their logo because it had horns and something that looked like 666. There was tons more on this and I can’t remember of it, so if you are curious Snopes took the crazy-dive and sorted through the rumor.

So, immediately following that speech, I went home and called the number on my mother’s Pert shampoo bottle. I promptly accused the nice woman on the phone of being Satanists and asked why can’t they stop being Satanists so I could use their shampoos.

The woman did her best to explain that the company was not Satanist. I called her a liar and hung up.

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This all has flooded my memory banks. Shame has ensued. And not four years later I was playing D&D, blasting Highway to Hell with freshly Pert-treated hair.

To see this guy, in the year 2015 talk about a game that reached its peak in 1987, as being a fundamental conduit for Satanism has me stunned.

Fundamentalists need to find a more contemporary villain. can i get prescribed viagra


They're red. They're angry. They sacrifice pigs. buy cialis

They’re red. They’re angry. They sacrifice pigs.

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