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Today I’m celebrating 15 years of marriage with my wife and best friend. In tribute to this amazing chapter I’d like to provide an intimate example of an average conversation we have while at work.

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From: Wife
To: Me
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?

Dear God,

I don’t normally wish away time, but if you could jump to 1:30pm, that’d be awesome.

Your Number One Fan,
KK

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From: Me
To: Wife
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?
Dear KK,
If I start changing time for you then I’ll have to start changing time for all those nice people having picnics right now. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?
-God

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From: Wife
To: Me
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?
Dear God,

Here’s the thing.  Anyone who is having a picnic right now is having a BREAKFAST picnic which I’m pretty sure is outlawed in Leviticus.  A book YOU wrote.

#BreakfastPicnicsAreSin

-KK

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From: Me
To: Wife
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?
Dear KK,
Leviticus was a forgery written by totalitarian priests and falsely attributed to Me the Lord Thy God.
-God

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From: Wife
To: Me
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?
Dear God,

Regardless of who wrote it, you have allowed your name to be attached to it (I’m guessing for profit-sharing reasons).  My point is this:   breakfast picnics are obvious sin and deserve a healthy smiting.    I mean, c’mon, they’re probably eating SAUSAGE, which is a cloven-hoofed snack if I ever heard  of one.

I think in lieu of flaming bushes or pillars of salt, you could just surgically remove the next hour and and twenty minutes.  That would really show those leaven-bisquit eating pagans who’s boss.

Just my opinion.

#HellIsBuiltOnBiscuits

-KK

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From: Me
To: Wife
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?
Dear KK,
This is Jesus. Stop bugging Dad. He’s doing his best you know. You could take the virtue of patience for a spin. How about that, hnh?
-J

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From: Wife
To: Me
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?

Dear Jesus,

Well pardon me if I was under the apparently inaccurate assumption that an omnipresent, omnipotent GOD could grant my one little request, especially considering that I rarely, if ever, make requests.

For God so loved the world that he hid behind his only son so as to avoid confrontation.

#AlmightyMyAss

-KK

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From: Me
To: Wife
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?
Dear KK,
Jesus is out getting some more milk and God is playing tennis with the Olympians the rest of the afternoon. Just wanted to drop a line and say that the power of God comes within. Also, it would be nice if you picked up the phone every now and then and let us know how you are instead of just complaining all the time.
-Holy Spirit

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From: Wife
To: Me
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?

Dear Holy Spirit,

Wow.  Just Wow.  This has been a fascinating journey through ecclesiastical bureaucracy.  It’s oddly comforting to know human frailties such as passing the buck have a divine origin.

Couple of questions:

1.  Couldn’t Jesus just have changed some water into milk?  Has to be easier than wine.

2.  Tennis?   Really?   Can you just go over to God and whisper ‘Darfur’ into his divine ear.

#VishnuIsLookingPrettyGood
-KK

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From: Me
To: Wife
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?
This is an automated response, please do not reply
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Dear Creation,
The Gates of Heaven’s hours are from 8 am – 12:30 pm PDT. Your prayer is very important to us. Please leave us a message and a divine messenger will respond as quickly as possible. All Heavenly entry queries should be routed to St. Peter, judgment and mercy queries to the Archangel Michael and all others can be left with authorized representatives of Judeo-Christian offices (not including the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who must be routed through the appropriate channels).
Thank you for your continued piety and the Hosts of Heaven look forward to delivering the endless light of inspiration during normal operating hours.
Have a Blessed Day!

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From: Wife
To: Me
Subject: Whyyyyy is time moving so slowly?
#SatanAnsweredOnTheFirstRing
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