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It has become painfully obvious that I have become a destination for people trying to figure out what in the hell is up with the Illuminati. I have yet to write a book about the Illuminati. I’ve written about Knights Templars, Mardis Gras Krewes and the end of the world–but nothing about the Illuminati. Maybe I should, so if anything I can have a credential to back up the whacky Google searches that lead to my site.

 

Crazy Google Searches

I am relieved about that, as a matter of fact.

Well, it is time now for me to answer one of the most popular search terms that land people on my site. Are you ready? Drumroll?

How do you know if something is Illuminati?

Or sometimes it’s:

How to know if Illuminati

or…

How u know if illumanadi

Anyway, inquiring minds want to know and who am I to argue with inquiring minds. But I’m guessing those minds are going to leave hilarious comments after they get through this. Because Christopher Grey is nothing if he isn’t a wise ass.

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#5 (Yes, I’m counting backwards): Does It Speak German?

Sorry my beer-drinking, good-humored accented German friends (I have one!), the Germanic language is a sure-fire sign of Illuminatus activity. It was created in Germany, specifically Bavaria. A German professor of law and philosophy, Adam Weishaupt, established the group in secrecy to spread the ideals of the Enlightenment. He lived in a time when leaders loved to squash free-thinking and new-fangled ideas like democracy and science. The state was under the thumb of the Roman Catholic Church, who had an invested interest in making sure wild and crazy secularism wouldn’t take hold in Europe.

It turns out they had cause for secrecy. After a huge expansion throughout Germany they became rather public for being a “secret” society and when at last their power plays went into direct conflict with the Jesuits which ended with the public banning of all secret societies forcing Weishaupt to flee for his life. Since then, the Illuminati fell into obscurity, save for modern conspiracy theorists, fueled by a pro-Catholic and anti-Freemason smear campaign of the 19th century, that insist it still exists and manages world politics in secrecy under the auspices of Satan. And in that case, they probably don’t speak German anymore. Unless German is the language of Satan. And on that point, I can make no judgment, except that it has been called the language of anger.

#4 Is it a cheap Freemason knock off?

As an intellectual, Weishaupt was quite aware that in Germany (and most of Europe) the intellectual philosophicating elite were all Freemasons and he really, really, really wanted to be an intellectual philosophicating elite. Apparently, though, the Freemasons were just too damned expensive to join, so he decided to start his own newer-better-cheaper alternative to Freemasonry and after a few iterations settled on the Illuminati. However, since he really had no idea how Freemasons worked–having never been one–he had difficulty recruiting people to his counterfeit Masonic lodge. Having squeezed all the information he could from recruits and pamphlets, he at last had to join a lodge in hopes he could rip off their higher rituals. After three degrees, he wasn’t able to get to the secret rituals and so gave up. Finally, he was convinced to get recognized as a Masonic lodge and he eventually complied–essentially hitching the Illuminati wagon to real Freemasonry because his made-up version wasn’t working.

Yeah, these may look great, but their cheap knock-offs from the real masonic money tights.

Yeah, these may look great, but they’re cheap knock-offs from the real All-Seeing Eye money tights.

#3 Does it support separation of church and state? Purchase Levitra

There was only one singular reason the Catholic Church wanted to eliminate the Illuminati and everything like it. This so called “enlightenment” was working hard to remove the Pope’s influence on government. Specifically, they wanted secular states, not influenced by religion. Weishaupt was specifically ravenous on this point, having witnessed Jesuit-controlled Bavaria making major government decisions by using superstition, prayers and Papal orders. Much like the NFL is run today. He believed strongly that states should be run by reason, not by priests. It was this particular point of view that ended up forcing the group into secrecy and eventually decline. But just think, since conspiracy theorists believe so strongly that the Illuminati is alive and well, then we should never again see a world where someone’s personal beliefs about God dictate government.

Oh.. wait...

Oh.. wait…

#2 Does it use non-religious spirituality?

Some of the creepiest parts of the Illuminati (and other secret societies) are the evil, Satanic, devil-worshipping, human-sacrificing rituals they loved to do. They did chanting things, wore devil costumes and said words like “occult” with evil mustache-twirling emoticons.  These devious rituals and ceremonies were ripped off from the Freemasons (see above) and, like all Satanic groups, were a product of the European Enlightenment and Age of Reason.

Okay, okay, I’m being sarcastic. See, The Illuminati didn’t have “Top 10 Meditations for CEOs” BuzzFeed articles or Yoga studios. The product of the Enlightenment was chiefly the realization that religion shouldn’t be running the world (specifically, the Pope shouldn’t be running Europe). But that didn’t mean people like Weishaupt were not spiritual or needed spirituality in their lives. To the contrary, Freemasonry was arguably the first “spiritual but not religious” organization ever created and Weishaupt was a footnote to that. The evil and scary rituals everyone is so freaked out about are actually elaborate meditation techniques designed quite carefully to clear the mind and connect with spirituality.

Of course the Church hated this and did everything within their power to eradicate it–because if people could be spiritual without the Pope than they couldn’t run nations anymore. We are still feeling the effects of the smear campaign against the Enlightenment and Age of Reason–except we plop it into a big “Satanism” category and point hysterically at Masonic symbols in our society as evil. Freemasonry at the time, and by extension, the Illuminati, was entirely about dismantling the religious state and empowering a secular state. This nation (I’m talking to Americans) was built upon freedom and one of the most powerful symbols of that is the ability to believe something without the state telling you to.

That and this picture of Ronald Reagan.

That and this picture of Ronald Reagan.

#1 Is it hated by fundamentalists?

Let’s face it. This whole hysteria around Illuminati controlling the world is really about something much bigger. It is about the steady and global shift from a religious society to a secular one. Fundamentalists (of any religion) believe their version of things–their beliefs–are one-hundred percent reality. And for someone that believes in the letter of religion so strongly, it is apocalyptic to think that other points of view can take control of the world. Here’s the point the hysterical are missing: a secular society is not about eliminating or oppressing religion, it is about empowering people with the freedom to have whatever beliefs they want. It may be shocking to know different people don’t share beliefs, but that is precisely why we shouldn’t have a society based on beliefs. Which beliefs would we choose?

The Illuminati doesn’t exist in the way the conspiracy theorists say it does. If it did, then I would applaud them, because they have been nurturing a secular society and that is precisely the type of society that enables me to be free to be who I am and who I want to be.

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